Is it always personal? Navigating complex friendship dynamics

Over the weekend, I found myself in a heartfelt conversation with a friend who confided in me about the challenges she was facing within her friendship circle. She described a constant struggle, feeling consistently misunderstood and misinterpreted. As someone who deeply values ethics and sensitivity, she found it profoundly troubling to be continually perceived in a certain light. Having to argue and justify herself against what seemed to be someone else's projections had taken a real emotional toll.

I recognised the experience. I had encountered similar situations in the past, particularly within various friendship groups, and had been the group's designated rescuer until I made a conscious decision to step away from that dynamic. My friend was not contemplating leaving her friendship group. She wanted to know how to cope with the feelings of inadequacy it was stirring up.

I posed a question that has served as a lifeline for me when navigating situations like this. I asked her: "If someone else with similar broad-stroke personality traits were in your shoes, would they be treated the same way?" Her immediate recognition that someone with comparable sensitivity, ethical values, and a caring nature would likely face the same treatment marked a turning point. Realising that the situation was not truly personal helped her let go of some of the hurt and confusion, and it opened up space to think about boundaries and how she was showing up within the group dynamic.

Understanding that these situations often stem from someone else's unresolved struggles, rather than being a reflection of us, is genuinely transformative. Unlike Karpman's drama triangle, where there is a clear persecutor, victim, and rescuer, certain small group dynamics function differently. If one person is accustomed to gaining power and support in a group by positioning themselves as a victim and calling on rescuers to make them feel secure, then in the absence of an actual persecutor they will unconsciously create one. This can leave us utterly bewildered.

This has prompted me to reflect on incidents from my own youth. If another child with similar broad-stroke personality traits had been in my place, facing the school bully, would they have endured the same hardship? Almost certainly. That realisation helped me understand how wounds and scars travel along our personal timelines, keeping us ruminating over what we did to deserve certain experiences.

The metaphorical scab we compulsively pick at can persist for years. But asking a single question can be enough to break the cycle, to see the event for what it actually was rather than what we made it mean about ourselves.

Once we have depersonalised the triggering event, the inner work begins:

• Why did I take it personally if it was not really about me?
• What negative beliefs about myself surfaced in that situation?
• How am I showing up in these situations in a disempowered way?
• Do I know and accept myself well enough to challenge what feels untrue?

Exploring the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that contributed to drawing in a particular interpersonal dynamic allows us to bring hidden aspects of ourselves into conscious awareness.

Approaching relationship conflicts with a growth mindset requires becoming observers of ourselves, distinguishing between what is and what is not our responsibility. The other person is unconsciously working through their own material. When we can see that, we stop taking it as a verdict on who we are.

Reflecting on my own life, I have come to understand that I inadvertently sought out certain friendships as a way of working through family dynamics I could not safely address within my own family. Friendships became a space in which to process unresolved wounds with people who, often unbeknownst to me at the time, mirrored family personalities and traits. Recognising that pattern was one of the more quietly significant shifts in my own journey.

With practice, we can begin to reflect almost in real-time and ask ourselves:

• What is this triggering within me?
• What personal history is being stirred up?
• What can I let go of here?

These are not comfortable questions. But they are the ones that actually move something.